April 30, 2011

This is the way from Grandmother's house...

"The way is clear,
The light is good, 
I have no fear,
Nor no one should.
The woods are just trees,
The trees are just wood.
I sort of hate to ask it,
But do you have a basket?"
-Into the Woods

I was on the phone with my mother the other day, and she told me that her favorite 
stretch of Hwy 101 was the part where you were propelled from the mountains and 
thrust onto the beach like a thrown ball. I remember this bend well. I went back tovisit it and made her this video.

I love my mom. She's an amazing woman.

April 29, 2011

This is Why She Is My Best Friend.


The Dolomites

Lauren: Is everything okay?
Eliza: Everything's fine.  I just sent him an apology text this afternoon for the Cash poop in the tub I forgot to clean up before I left and I never heard anything...
Lauren: Haha dolomites...wtf.  DOLOMITES?  I typed "roomies" and I get "dolomites"???  
Lauren & Eliza: WTF is a "dolomite"??
Lauren: Oh.  It is a beautiful rock/mineral formation.  I miss you.
Eliza: Oh.  THE Dolomites are a mountain range in Italy.  I miss you, too.
Lauren: Are the Dolomites made out of dolomite??  It is a rare crystal!  
Eliza: Quick!  To the Dolomites!

What do you think?


I was serious about dinner sometime in the next week. All you have to do is name a night and time between 4/29 and 5/6 and pick a place where you want to go and I'll do the rest. I promise to be well-mannered, well-dressed (suit), well-read and well-spoken...perhaps even urbane. If this isn't enticing enough for you, then you can just think of it as an opportunity to tell your friends that you went to dinner with some old guy who reminds you of Michael Scott from The Office. 

All I ask of you in return is that you don't prove Sartre right in the course of the evening. 

What do you think? 

Best wishes. 

He Sleeps (all the damn time).

"How do people go to sleep?  I'm afraid I've lost the knack.  I might try busting myself smartly over the temple with the night-light.  I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things."
~Dorothy Parker

April 28, 2011

Mail Time: The Latin Lover

Here is a really good example of how crazy I really am.

Can you speak Spanish?  Well, I sure can't.  But that doesn't stop me from asking my friend Laura to write me a fake love letter from Spain.

This is the only time I'm going to point out when I'm faking it.  Really, I'm not going to be able to trick my grandchildren into thinking I was really this wild and loose if I keep telling you guys when I'm pretending ;)

He was pretty good in bed, though.  Spicy.  It was in those delicious latino hips.


The Hand

Remembering My 4 Yr Old Imaginary Enemy...

Today was my worst favorite day.  

But not at the first part.  It was good because Mommy let me wear my most best dress. It is pink and oh so soft and goes WOOOOOOSH whenever I spin around in circles as fast as I can.  But I’m not allowed to spin in the house, Mommy says, because I broked her flowers from Grandma that one time.  They weren’t very pretty anyway.  They didn’t even have any flowers on them, just green, so I don’t know why she called them “flowers”.   Sometimes big people get confused, I think.  Mommy says it’s the old she’s catching, but I don’t know who Old is, and who would want to catch a bully like that?  And then she looks at me and says “twenty-seven years and you’re going to be me”.  I get scared, because I don’t want to meet Mr. Old, but then I get un-scared because I remember that twenty-seven is more than fingers and toes and probably isn’t real.  It’s a joke and she’s just trying to make me laugh so I do. 

After we ate the cereal that has the un-fun box on it, I went to the family room to play, but remembered not to move too much or else the Pink One would be put back away and I wouldn’t see it again for a long, long, long time.  So, I sat on the carpet by the big window you can walk through if you want to, and made myself still, still, still.  Then, I noticed I was breathing and that made my tummy go in and out, which was not very still at all, so I made it stop.  But then I remembered I was blinking a whole lot and that also wasn’t very still, so I closed my eyes very tight till I could see the funny shapes in space.  I counted to 10, because that’s the most, and WOW that was hard, so I cut it out.  I couldn’t hear Mommy anymore anyway, which means she is doing her working and will be back out for lunch time.

I wondered where my Teddy back pack went, because he has all of my everything most special, and I didn’t want The Hand to get it.  This made me silent cry a little bit because it made me remember my best friend, Slobber Bunny.  Mommy doesn’t like Slobber Bunny because she says he stinks really bad, but I don’t think so.  I think he smells like the best smell I ever smelled, and he makes me feel okay again if I get scared.  One time, I left Slobber Bunny in my big girl bed to make pee, and when I got back Slobber Bunny was gone.   When I turned around, I saw The Hand go into the closet, so I know he took him.  Mommy and Daddy Ralphie looked everywhere but didn’t find him.  They told me The Hand didn’t take him because he is not real and got mad so I cut it out.  But I knew he did.

I found my Teddy and my four gums, whew, he didn’t take it!  I should be more careful next time.  Then Nikki came in and I asked her if she wanted to play and she said no she was busy.  She’s always busy, but I don’t care, I have my gum, and they can be my sisters, so I make them tell me about their days.  Tina, the yellow one, tells me she went to the movies and fell asleep again.  Stupid Tina.  Cathy is also yellow, so she’s her twin, and she tells me she flew in an airplane and did circles and loops and almost got to the sun.  I told her that was very nice, but Mommy says we’re not supposed to lie in this house, so tell the truth.  She only did one loop.  Then it’s Roberta’s turn, the blue one.  She doesn’t want to talk to me today.  Why not you don’t want to talk to me, Roberta?  It’s because The Hand told her not to that I would foil his plan.  I was thinking what kind of plan would need to be wrapped in silver paper like a potato and then there was a WOOOOOOOSH behind my head and I couldn’t see because my hair was in my eyes.  Then I saw him.  I saw The Hand and he was flying around above the kitchen and above Nikki!  

NIKKI, NIKKI, I screamed, THE HAND IS BEHIND YOU!!!  And you know what she said?  She said “LAUREN, I’m so sick and TIRED of you talking about the stupid HAND!  It’s NOT REAL”. 

But then, the hand pushed her into the oven.  She burned her arm.  I told her so.

We moved.  I remember that day because I threw up into the toilet and it made a rainbow, which I thought was pretty neat.  I locked The Hand in the hallway closet.

And I never saw him ever again.

April 16, 2011

Chicks n' Beanz

You know what I love?  

Baby.  Chickens.

But I can't.  I just can't.  WHERE WOULD I PUT THEM???

There was a big bucket of them today in my life.  And you know, when they're that small...they look so...portable?  Uninterfereing?  Like I can just pop one or two in my mouth and nobody would notice?

In the middle of that feed store, I went totally zen.  I closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like if I could just lay on the grass and snuggle with all 100 of them at the same time.  Now, I have four books all about chickens and small farms.  FOUR.  No.  I did not buy them.  I have an enabling grandmother (who drove me to these portable monsters) who figures she's getting too old to have anymore.  That doesn't mean she doesn't want them in her life, mind...

Anyway, I'm seriously considering chickens, now.  If you know me, you're probably not surprised.  In fact, you were most likely wondering why it took so long, right?  Right.  Oh, shut up, I hate you (love you).

Speaking of...well, not really speaking of anything, that's just lead in.  Speaking of speaking, I would also like to share with you my "damn, that's ghetto" contraption of the day.  Now, listen, I've made me some pretty ghetto things in my day, but this one really takes the cake.  Have you ever wondered what you should be doing with your rusted-ass baby gate you've been hoarding?  Well, have you also had a hankering fo' some beanz?  I know you so well.  That's why I made you this.

It's a bean trellis!  I told you I'd get you something pretty.   You're welcome :)

April 13, 2011

April Flowers and June

Aren't they pretty?

Today marks the beginning of the "War of Flowers" between myself and my new neighbor, June.

Two weeks ago, I arrived in Santa Barbara to find the most glorious pot of hydrangeas on my front porch, along with a sweet note welcoming me to the neighborhood, urging me to come by to have some tea and a conversation.  I, of course, couldn't say no to such a kind gesture.  I promptly scrapped together a little coffee mug of flowers to return the favor, and marched my little butt over to get me some tea and crumpets.

The view from her backyard.

June is lovely.  She's been living in the same house for the past 42 years, having moved here with her husband of about 65 years.  She asserts that the view alone convinced her to stay.  Right.  That ol' thing?...

As we sipped what she says is England's #1 tea of choice (I trusted her, I don't drink tea myself, but I liked the romantic idea of it all), she took me on a winding road of her life.  She was a renowned ballet dancer in London before WWII struck, which then lead her to tour the armed forces with her song and dance.  Yep, she was one of those cute pin-up girls you see in posters in old movies.  How marvelous.

Her Work
Her husband was an American soldier and, unbeknownst to her, a total lush who took a bet from a friend upon seeing her at a pub to marry her.  They wed.  She learned what he did.  They divorced.  She loved him anyway.  They wed.  She remembered why she divorced him.  They divorced.  She wasn't getting any younger and couldn't bring herself to love anyone else, so they wed again.  Three marriages and one daughter was what that little drunken bet in a neighborhood pub created. :)  Life is so hilarious sometimes.

She shared with me her art, and I shared with her mine (her's was ridiculously more impressive).  I couldn't believe she painted each detail in her work with just watercolor.  You just can't mess up with watercolor or you have to start the whole thing over again - I'm always so impressed by people who embrace it.


June's Mother

Before I left, she shoved a thick bunch of freshly cut honeysuckle into my fist, gave me a big box of that #1 English tea, and sent me on my merry way.

More flowers.  She gave me more flowers.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is war.