May 31, 2011

Do you have what it takes to be a *psychopath*?

Back in college, my friend Eric told me an interesting test he heard that psychologists sometimes use with incarcerated serial killers to determine their psychopathy.  As I've been on this little sociopath/psychopath stint with the fella mentioned in my previous posts, I thought I'd share this one with you fine people as a fun way to see if you have what it takes to make the list.

The Test: 
A woman attends her mother's funeral, and sees a young man across the room that she just can't take her eyes off of.  She learns he is a friend of the family, but never has the opportunity to talk to him through all of the "I'm sorrys" and "this must be so difficult for yous" pressed upon her by the funeral attendants.  She can't get this man out of her mind - she's fallen in love.

The following week, this woman kills her sister.  Why?


May 25, 2011

So, ya think this guy is full of it? (*yes) (no)

I must be bored, because I am still entertaining the idea of this person.  It's all very fascinating to me and has allowed me to play out my little detective fantasies.  I figure if I post these things for all to see, I'm pretty safe, yes?  If I go missing all of a sudden, you'd know to do a Google search of which production company ruined B.J. Lawson, I'm sure.  You'd also know to check the Langham hotel, but I never said anything about that.  

Below is a texting transcript detailing his defense in nothing short of a mobil NOVEL.  Each break is an independent text blurb - I think these beats are important when deciphering pace in verbal purging.  His is word vomit.  It all made me a bit uncomfortable.  I hate the feeling of being lied to.  

May 23, 2011

How I unveiled a con artist by cyber stalking (and you should, too).

I am a cyber stalker and I have no shame in declaring this.

But I should differentiate, lest you get the wrong impression.  There are two types of cyber stalkers: the crazy type (A) and the practical type (B).  The crazy type is pretty obvious - you've heard about them.  Heck, you've probably been them.  They are literally cyber STALKING a target, most likely an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or the person their ex is now currently dating.  I am currently not type A.  Then there's type B.  Type B is your average gen x/y computer cruiser who does little mini "background checks" via google, facebook, twitter, etc. before getting into anything serious with potential friends/lovers.  They are doing what most employers do before hiring on a new employee.  We all have reputations, both on and offline.  These days, people are becoming more savvy with how to keep the former in check, but not everybody.

This is where our story begins.

The Langham Hotel in Pasadena
This weekend, I drove up to LA to visit a couple college friends I hadn't seen in years.  Saturday evening, on a lone wolf excursion, I found myself in Pasadena - my old summer stomping grounds.  I stopped by the Langham (formerly the Ritz-Carlton) across the street from my old house, and grabbed myself a glass of wine before making my way back into the heart of the beast that is LA.  Now, I'm not normally receptive to gentlemen approaching me in a bar, but the vibe here is a titch different.  Replace the "mmph mmph" music on Austin's E 6th street with a little live jazz, and the "oops, I didn't mean to graze your butt with my penis" fellas in the club with cigar smoking, brandy swishing Cal Tech academics from down the street.  I have a thing for smarties.  What can I say?

And then he walked up.  Him, with his off white suit, charming smile - dabbing his brow with a cloth handkerchief.  My father is the only man I know who carries around a cloth handkerchief, and this man was obviously not my father's age.  I was immediately intrigued.

May 19, 2011

You've got more curves than a Triple Integral

Copyright, Lauren P. Perez 2011

     I've always wanted to start off a paragraph with "People always ask me...".  It sounds so refined.  But then it occurred to me that if I ACTUALLY sat here and tried to brainstorm up things that people ask me all the time, JUST so I could use that as a lead in, I was officially mental.

:sigh:  But the brain doesn't turn off and now...

Now I've got to wondering about what it is people ask me about on a regular basis.  Perhaps I shall make some bullets. Why the hell not, I've got a little time to kill.  And lists are what makes my little life go round.

* So, why did you decide to move here? 
(the ocean, next.)

*So if you studied psychology, what am I thinking right. now.  (:sigh: i hate you.)

*Paper or plastic? (paper, please. no, plastic.  no, i'm sorry, paper works for me. :bites nails:)

*What do you want?? (attttennntttttiooooon!)

*Wanna bone? (perhaps...what kind of "bone"?)

*Are we out of T.P.? (YES! :facepalm:  and it's your turn to buy some!!!)

*Why are you up so late? (just to annoy you.)

*Do you dye your hair? (wtf kind of first date question is that?..)

*So, do you like live music? (am i standing? then no. are you always this interesting?)

*What's with your obsession with going fishing...? (because I want to go, dammit, take me!)

*So, like, what do you do for fun? (ughhhhhhhh...see above, now take me!!)

*Why don't you like lemon in your water...? (because it's neither water nor lemonade, and i refuse to entertain such a confused beverage.)

*Can I help you? (no, I'm just looking/please, i've fallen off a cliff)

I just took time out of my life to answer questions to myself asked by myself.  :sigh:  I miss my friends.

Anywho, the reason for this post.  I made that print today.  Funky, right?  What's extra fun is it comes in a couple other colors.  See?

Like them?  They can be yours.  Buy them here.

And yes, I know what a triple integral is.  Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I'm a total idiot.  Doesn't EVERYBODY?  Psh.  Hello. ;)

May 18, 2011

Amoeba Love

I am seriously considering making a children's book based on the love of two (or multiple?) amoeba.

Copyright Lauren P. Dodge, 2011

May 17, 2011

What a bunch of bull[rings].

Once upon a time, my sweets, your grandmother was bet by a tiny leprechaun man that she wouldn't pierce her septum.

And as you may know (or not), she loves a good, creative, hilarious story to tell.

So she took that bet.  And what's more?  It's still pierced (but nobody has seen it for many, many years.)
This was taken in a shower.  :sigh: College...

The sky is gray, the sand is gray, and the ocean is gray.

Last night I sat by the ocean in the rain.

It was dark and the moon was out, but the clouds blanketed the sky so everything was illuminated in varying shades of gray.  My companion heard me say this and said "so many shades of gray".

He was right.  So many shades of gray.  There was depth and movement and life in all colors except color. And it was beautiful.

The saltwater tickled my hair and I thought back to my friend Graham's words.

"Mother Russia is vast."

The ocean is vast.  It is endless, even though maps tell us otherwise.  When you sit there at its shore, watching the heartbeat of the waves, it looks like it could go on forever.  And it does if you let it.  It makes you feel small but in such a good way.  Like none of your problems are as big as you make them out to be.  This is one of the reasons why I moved out here and why I advised my father to do so, too.  The ocean heals things.

The ocean is vast.
Photo Credit: Pete Brun

May 9, 2011

Lane the Landscape Artist

Today I met a most interesting person.

His name is Lane.

Lane is a painter.  He is also a landscape artist.  I mean literally, he landscapes and also landscapes.

See what I mean?

I think this is pretty neat.


May 8, 2011

About Face

Learning Fine Art Drawing and Painting Techniques by way of Theatrical Makeup Study and Application

A blank sheet of paper is daunting to any artist.  It’s two dimensional and full of endless possibility.  This may sound exciting, but lets face it – although we might think we want something that offers us countless choices, it is natural for us to become exhaustedly overwhelmed by such a task, and to obsess over what to fill the paper with rather than just doing it.  Taking that piece of paper and replacing it with something more familiar, something that offers fewer options for the artist, we are removing the blank page anxiety from the moment and giving way to real development of artistic skill and aesthetic comprehension.  The human face is an excellent alternative.  We are, psychologically speaking, experts in seeing and reading faces.  In fact, there’s an entire physical portion of our brain designed to do just that!  Unlike a sheet of paper, our faces are three dimensional, and are set in a fixed form that can be accentuated and altered with color and prosthetics.  What we attempt to do when we paint or draw is integrate our third dimensional world into the flat space of the canvas.  By beginning the study of shape and space in our more tangible world, we can begin to fully see and understand the real nature of things.  We can feel and touch what we wish to draw, and connect the position of the object in space to the way the light reveals its shape and contours to our eye.   

May 7, 2011

Eat your books and read your vegetables.

"We need to make books cool again.  If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck them."  - John Waters

This.  Is the best advice I've heard in a long time.

You know, I've made it very clear to my nephews that I am their book aunt.  A book aunt is an aunt who only gives books.  She doesn't give video games, she doesn't give action figures.  She gives books and that is the only thing you'll get out of her.   So, it's best you know what you want to read about, or else you're getting books about WEIRD things, because that is what makes her laugh the most.

I sent my nephew about 5 books the other month with a card that told him this:  "Kieran.  Books are full of information.  Yes, some of it is boring, but there are books out there that have some really interesting ideas in them.  And you know who likes ideas?  Girls.  Girls like boys with lots of ideas.  You should read these books, get these ideas, and then I bet you the girls will be waiting in line."

I was told that he read every one of those books in a week's time.

Good boy.

May 5, 2011

You're so counter counter culture.

Itza me!  Mario!
I broke into Chalence's facebook today.  Meh, just because.

I don't look at any of his stuff.  I just like to change his pictures and say things like "Itza me, Mario!" next to the ones I draw moustaches on.

He keeps changing his password, but I keep getting in.  I take this as a challenge.

And then after I drew that moustache on him...I thought to myself "God.  I hate scenesters."  They think moustaches are so hilarious, like they're the only ones in this world who's father made bad facial hair decisions in the 80's.

But this is the thing.  When you are an ugly child and never come into yourself, it's just easier to rock the ugly, you know?  Not that I'm a Marilyn Monroe, but apparently being ironically ugly is really in right now.

At first I thought this might seem really bitter, like I might offend somebody.  But the beautiful part is, hipsters don't think they're hipsters.  So we're good.

So I made this for all you ugly hipsters out there who are rockin your ugly like it's still 1985.

Keep living the dream.

May 4, 2011

You're more special than relativity.

Today a physics professor from Berkeley bought this from me.

You have no idea my excitement.

Party of One

So this is the thing.

I am new to Santa Barbara.  I don't know anybody here sans some family, and I am a neurotic person, so this is where we're at.

I have joined to meet people.  Nope.  Not "meat" people, which some, I've discovered, are definitely on there to do.  I'm not a bar lady, I'm working on my art and job hunting, so this is what I'm left with for the time being.  I actually agreed to meet two guys who are named "Ishmael" and "Charlie" because those are the names of my cats and I miss them (they're in Austin).

I told you I was weird.

Anyway, some people would just wait to meet people, right?  No.  I like food way to much to just sit idly by and *wait* for somebody to ask me out to dinner.  Have you HAD the crab here??

Breakfast of Hercules
Because I have this thing.  I feel awkward eating alone.  I'm like most women, I carry those GIANT purses around with me, which is good because they can fit in three books and a sketch pad, but COME ON.  I don't want to READ or PRETEND TEXT while I'm trying to enjoy a most delicious meal that should clearly be for two.

I mean, how many tables are there with just one chair?  So I say boo to that.

This brings us to today's conundrum.  At this point, I'm just hungry.  And my single ass has what my friend lovingly referred to as the "Breakfast of Hercules" - a handle of vodka and Brown Cow yogurt.  You know, the contents of a fridge really say something about a person.  This right here says "anorexic rock star", which I assure you...I am not.

So, like any other gen Y 20-something, I ACTUALLY tried to Google places to go that would be one-party friendly.  And then after I cried just a little bit (because, REALLY?), I decided there needed to be a blog for people like me. I know I'm not the only one that likes food and sometimes wants to eat by myself but not fast food or crappy coffee shop "sandwiches".  I'm not making this blog, but I think you should, so I can read it.  Okay?  Thanks.

You wanna know what I did?  I ordered chinese food.  And you know what?  Those bastards did this to me.
This is just mean.

Not a spoon, but a fork.  Not just one fork, but two.

     What.       The.         Fuck.

Thanks, China.

And by the way, this wasn't very nice either.


And I mean travel!

I'm a normal dude looking to find someone to have fun with. 

I'm a bit of a gaming geek and I would like someone who is as well or at least gets it. I'm not totally tied down to just gaming though I do enjoy going out to amusements parks or out to fancy dinners. Most of time I just enjoy doing things at home cooking, watching movies, etc. There are times where I just need to get out and by get out I mean travel! Last year I did a cross country trip by car to New York City just because I've never been there and thought going by car would be a great way to do it! .... 

The car part wasn't as great as I thought but I still had fun.. 

My next adventure should be a Euro Trip!
Also, I'm not one of those folks who needs to have someone around be or in touch with my 24/7. I know folks have things to do as do I and space is needed. ps my user name has something to do with that google communications feature thing!

May 3, 2011

Would you like to meet Mah Jongg?

He: "WTF is Mah Jongg???"

She: "I think it's a Chinese board game played with pegs and pebbles...?"

He: " you think its.." ::points to pants::

Both:  "Ooooooohhhhh....."

May 1, 2011

His name is King.

I wouldn't trade you for nothin in this world.

Hey lady, 

I classifield you as a lady, because thats who i want. 

My name is King, offcourse i liked and desired you, because it seemed like you're who i want in my life, thats why i initially winked at you.

If its well with you its best to exchange numbers and lets get things goin rightnow okay.